I didn’t leave our house yesterday. I used the Sabbath for what it was made for, rest. I pretty much just sat in the same place all day. Maybe it was the lingering effects of being ill last week. Maybe my mind and body just needed a break from all of the business. Maybe Joe was right when he asked if I was feeling depressed.
The truth is that I’ve learned to hide behind doors. To leave my solitude means that I have to face the poverty and sickness that consumes this city. Can a person survive continual heartache? When will I become numb to it? I crave that numbness that an EMT must have to be productive in the face of tragedy and death. However, I fear that it will come at the price of my compassion for these poor people. How can I survive the reality of it all and not lose my heart?
Life in the city is crushing me. It is like a weight on my shoulders that get’s heavier every day. I search everywhere for solitude, but I find none. There is no peace anywhere. Even at our house there is constant commotion, constant noise permeating through the walls. Children crying, people talking, kids playing, cars roaring, horns blowing, beggars moaning, salemen shouting, dogs barking, it never stops. I wasn’t made for city life and this city is a hard one.
I apologize for all of this. I normally don’t share my weaknesses with others, but I have to now. It almost brings me to tears to open up this much to so many people. I share this with you now because I need your prayers more than ever. I need God to give me the strength to do the work that he has for me to do.